Havin a Laff

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. 

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. 

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.

**************************************************************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. 

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! 

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! 

Pastor: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? 

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. 

The group were silent for a moment. 

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. 

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. 

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night? 

*************************************************************

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler.

****************************************************************

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool." 

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

***********************************************************

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

**************************************************************

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under.

 "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" 

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." 

"How much do you charge?" 

"A hundred dollars per visit." 

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. 

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. 

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." 

"Is that so! How?" 

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" 

****************************************************************

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998.  Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/2001.

IRISH:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

IRISH:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

BRITISH:  This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.

IRISH:  Negative.  I say again.  You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA!  THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH.  I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH:  We are a lighthouse - your call.

***************************************************************

I went to a Alcoholics anonymous meeting
Anonymous my ass
I knew everyone there !