Havin a Laff

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 

A: Envelope.

***************************************************

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, 

"Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." 

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, 

"Who is it?" 

"Blind man!" 

The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says,

 "Wow !! where do you want me to hang these blinds?"

****************************************************

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. 
He asks his son, 
"Son, where were you today during school hours?" 
"At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" 
The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." 
The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" 
The father replies, "What? 
When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" 
The robot slaps the father. 
The mom chimes in, "Ha ha! After all, he is your son!" 
The robot slaps the mother.

*********************************************************

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" 

"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

 Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

****************************************************** 

I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs. He comes over and says to me,

 "My dog says you have weed in the car."

 I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!"

*******************************************************

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind it's tearable. 
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

*********************************************************

I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”

Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, “What’s the difference?” 

*********************************************************

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, 
"Uh, oh!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" 
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 
"Whew!" says the leopard.

"That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" 
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 

"Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" 
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. 
"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

********************************************************