A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
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Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn't what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convinces her husband to see a marriage counselor with her.
The counselor first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentence she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.
Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the John and says, "Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?" The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentially replies, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays... but on Fridays, I play golf."
How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"
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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'
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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
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Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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