Life can take many turns. To some degree it is a matter of luck, chance and circumstance that governs what pathway our lives take. Often especially in childhood a traumatic event can lead to a self- destructive pathway. Its impact having a profound effect on the individual and those that love them. Fiona is a survivor who is now coming to terms with the consequences which she relates in her story. She credits the love and support of her family with helping her to survive and live the life she was always meant to.
Fiona’s Story
I was born in 1968 and reared in Dublin. I come from a very loving and supportive family.
My decent into drugs started when I was about 10 years of age my first drug was an overdose of tablets. I was reaching out for attention but doing it the wrong way, trying to block out pain.
Going through teenage years I would use aerosols and glue stiffing.
I was always looking for that extra bit of attention and love.
I progressed on to the Extasy scene, I loved taking Es loved where it took me, away from myself and my reality.
I had my Son Christopher at the age of 20 and split up with his father soon after. I was living with my Mam and Dad. My dad took on the care of Christopher as his father figure, taking him to school, football matches and I was happy with that as I could go out and think I was enjoying my life. I would be coming home from parties and my dad would be taking Christopher to school. Many years passed and my addiction for tablets got worse and then I was introduced to cocaine.
Cocaine gave me confidence I had never felt before, it took me away from myself. During that time I met a man and soon after meeting him I became pregnant with my daughter Karinann, I thought this will fix me, someone to love and take care of me. It did for a time but I eventually went back to drugs. Many years passed, the marriage was very toxic physically, mentally and emotionally. I left the marriage and went into a women’s refuge with my daughter. Christopher at this time was been reared by my mam and dad and would call my dad his dad.
I was able to get a rented house for myself and my daughter in my local area but this was the ruination of me.
I felt free to do what I wanted and invite who I wanted into my house, the parties got more and more wilder, the louder the name the more I wanted to be in their company. I put my life and my family's life in danger. I thought I was untouchable. I really should not be here today. I have a major belief in a higher power. Thoughts of suicide were in my head every day, not wanting to wake up, but suicide was in my family and I’d seen the pain and hurt that affected us and did not want my family to go through that again but I was lost. I lost myself, I had no respect for myself or my body I had hit rock bottom.
My daughter Karinann saw things no child should ever see. My drug use was out of control, Karinann had to be taken off me as I could no longer care for her, and at the time I was delighted (this was the addict in me mindset) as I could use more drugs without her interfering in my life. (To this day I still hold a lot of guilt) I was, at this stage not only using cocaine I would use every type of drug going.
Karinann would see me out in the street and would cross the road not wanting to know me. As time went on my drug use got so bad that family stepped in and said enough is enough and got me in treatment.
I did 5 months in Chuin Mhrire in Limerick this was so hard but so worth it. Karinann wanted her Mammy back, no matter in my drug addiction she still needed me and wanted me. She still held onto the little bit of hope for me.
After the 5 months were up I had nowhere to live. I had to go back and live with my Mam and Dad this was very hard as I had resented my dad for so many years and all he ever wanted to do was help me, the more he tried to help me the more I pushed him away. I went to live with my sister, my sister had resented me for the many years I had wasted and despised what my addiction was doing to my life, my body and the wider affects it was having on those who cared for me.
I have 3 sisters & 2 brothers and each in their own way showed me they wanted their sister back. My mam and dad wanted their daughter back
I started to go to NA meetings starting to try live a life.
Lock down happened and I loved it, as I was starting to feel resentful of everyone going out enjoying themselves but now we were all in the same position.
I tried to start focusing on myself and with the help of my children and family, life started to shine again, I have been given many gifts in my recovery.
My children, My family, Myself.
Recovery is very hard it’s an everyday struggle but so worth it. I have challenged myself so many times in recovery. I finally got my own forever home a 1bedroom beautiful apartment.
I have done the Santiago Camino Walk. Climbed the Highest Mountain in Ireland, I’ve done a parachute Jump, I took up running with (Coolock Running Club) I ran the Dublin city Half Marathon and I did this with my Daughter who at one time would run away from me now she runs with me.
Social media got hold of the story of the Marathon and I did a pod cast guest spot. Graham Tucker who I ran with in the running club and is a coach with the Irish Homeless Street Leagues - who did not know my story - asked would I go for trials for the Street leagues I laughed as I had never played football before after many weeks at trials I was picked still to this day I pinch myself. The training was very very tough for me at one stage I wanted to give up.
Mary the ladies coach was absolutely amazing, pushing me all the way. I had self-doubts in my head telling me I’m not good enough, too old, who did I think I was. I was 57 years of age playing football with ladies who were a lot younger and fitter than me but I pushed through it and finally started to enjoy it.
The whole experience from start to finish was just unbelievable full of memories I will hold for the rest of my life.
Meeting amazing people who believed in me going to represent my country. Marching through the streets of Norway with the team, the opening ceremony to standing on a football pitch to my national anthem The highs and lows of winning and losing games but being part of a team doing all this. meeting amazing people from every part telling their stories of addiction and how they’d overcome it and being homeless. family and friend's supporting me back home.
The Irish Homeless Street leagues has given me confidence I never knew I had, it challenged me pushed me through big barriers in life. I can say I am a changed person for the better since I came home from the World Cup finals in Norway I believe in myself more I have started to really find myself for this I will be forever grateful.
Today I am six and a half years clean and sober and living my best life.
I love the way I am able to grab my thoughts and flip them. It's only a thought and not to act on them. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in my recovery and am finally starting to like the real me. I’m still a very outgoing bubbly person. I love to travel and meet new people.
Every year in recovery my life just keeps getting better & better.
New opportunities & obstacles are put on my pathway and I learnt to deal with them.
A ball can change a life
Fiona Taaffe
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